when i thought about things and had anna castro in the back of my mind

ever the hesitant one, i hesitate in saying the following 100% confidently, but I'm going to Reed, in Portland, Oregon (slow gin fizz). there are a lot of fascinating things about the place, but the most notable one is that i felt like i belonged when i visited there. sort of "this is where they hid my people". and with that sort of (i dare say) epiphany that there are others like me (not saying i haven't found them. they're just few and far between. actually, they all just sit next to me in AP Lit. except michelle, who isn't in AP Lit), i am comforted by the fact that i find it so difficult to find someone who can see things the same way i do (myself being among those things. wah wah).
[i've realized lately i have a strong fondess for parentheticals]
either way...perhaps i will finally truly find my niche, my place. although sometimes i wonder if such a place exists. true, i may find comfort in others and even bits of myself in the eyes of friends, but rarely do i find a place where i can close my eyes and feel as happy as i do when i sit in the quiet of my room with my guitar or a notebook or a book (Dante's Inferno, currently. Thanks to anna for her encouragement to really read it). But I'm rambling a bit and I don't feel like my sentences are as cohesive as they usually are. I'll address the thoughts as they come.

1. existence, solipsism, existentialism, philosophy, and whether it matters that life has no point
2. ms jamba
3. tonight
4. girl (is there anybody going to listen to my story?)

--

1. it's been some time since i've truly questioned the futility of existence like i used to. i'm still an adamnt solipsist, maintaining that, as lovely as people are, you only have yourself in the end, and you take no one else with you when you die. life is there and i believe that you simply cannot argue it's persistence. it is there and so it should be accepted. this presents a problem, though, mainly because the fuel for my Salem and Palamino story that I'm currently writing was based around questioning existence. either way.

2. ms jamba was at the party i was at tonight (if truth be told, that's the only reason i went) and i don't know why i like her. she's a dime a dozen, as cute as she is. there's nothing spectacular about her that would attract me. she's nowhere even near the same league as castro, harley, et. al. but so it goes, i suppose. as castro and i have discussed numerous times, it's the story of our lives. the ones we like do not like us back, the ones we could get with we aren't interested in, and the ones we know we should be with, we have no interest in. i shall now invent the dialogue between ms jamba and a friend that i know for a fact transpired.
friend: so do you like mikey?
ms jamba: i feel bad because i know he likes me and i don't feel the same way.
friend: that really sucks, because mikey's pretty amazing. he's awesome in bed. not that i'd know, but so i've heard. anyway, you're a complete idiota for not seeing how incredibly soulfull and loving mikey is. it's pretty ridiculous of you, you know, to pass up such an opportunity. i know you're going to prom together and all, and hopefully you'll change your mind by then. but mikey's a flighty character. it may be too late come prom. but yeah you're pretty crazy. ok love you see you later!
something like that.

4. girl (who has yet to exist). i still hold true to the fact that there is someone, or perhaps many someones, who can see straight through me to the gold. and what's anything worth until i find her, anyway.

3. tonight was alright. i don't drink or smoke or dance ("wow, you're going to be boring in college" observed a girl i met. i went on to amaze her with my admissions to reed while marissa boasted about my admissions to USC in which both of them got on their knees and fellated me. not really. speaking of which said girl was quite cute, and i found out that she used to be james' hag. don't worry, castro. he definitely traded up.) so i didn't really do anything at the party except talk to cindy, watch marissa dance with people and get drunk (along with everyone else) and talk to the occassional familiar (or not so) face (i saw a bunch of asian kids that hang around my starbucks). and um. then i left because i felt uncomfortable and out of place and went to starbucks where i ran into abby and aline and we decided to go back to the party where things happened just as they always do: uneventfully. phenia got stinking piss drunk and cursed alyssa's soul or whatnot. it was humorous to listen to. i'm just not a party type guy. i'm glad there are no fraternities at reed.

5. ms. miko. aka ms. saturday night (getting bumped from the previous list). so it's not that i have heavy feelings for this girl, because i don't. i did, and i wrote a song called 'on a mountain' about it, which was my first good song, i think. around two years ago or so. chirst it's been a long time. we kissed and all a while back. and last saturday night was the first time i had seen her since then and we kissed again and it was stupendous, mainly because it was all over the place: dancefloor, on top of steven (tina's brother), against a wall, outside (cheers, mate). i know she's flighty and transient and not perhaps worth the pain of trying to persue, but i had a good time with her and would love to see her again, so i call her thursday or whatnot and she says she'll call me back at nine when she is done dancing (it's always a dancer) but she didn't so i texted her and she texted back saying she'd call me tomorrow (which was yesterday), which she didn't, and i texted her facetiously pointing out the obvious fact that she is clearly no good at texting back. it's not that i'm desperate for contact with her. it's spring break and i'd be an awful waste of time if i didn't do anything.

i can't think of anything else to say. i have to go to sleep. i'm working in seven hours.

but back to college. and anna castro talking about how she will miss everyone (yes, anna, i'll miss you ridiculously. i won't tell you how much, just like you won't tell me how much, because it'll be terrible for your ego). i don't know how i feel about leaving everyone behind. there are the certain ones i'll miss [castro, harley, james, tina, MICHELLE, robby, amber]. and of course the tragedy of it all is that it took me till my senior year to actually get close to some people [notably the triumverate and amberine]. and then there's all the people i'm just starting to talk to now that i find out are really awesome people [mostly MSND people...quince, helena, etc]. but fuck it all. it's all circular, and those that truly matter i will always see again. and i'm not leaving till late august anyway. but it's like holden said. don't every tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody.