when i opened

i figure that this vesitbule of fabricated emotion might as well be used for some good. and what other type of good is there to bring to this world but my own thoughts?

here are things i am thinking about. with certian names ommitted for my own sake.

1. ms. jamba
2. the decemberists
3. ms. *****
4. ms. saturday night
5. saturday night
6. ms. castro
7. ms. ****
8. midsummer night's dream
9. going to bed
10. love.

i feel like focusing on #s 1, 2, 4/5, and 8. for now. 10 is far too difficult to try and grapple with. but it's redundant, because it pertains at least to #s 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

1. ms. jamba. in the vain hope she's not reading this. anyway, prom looms happily, ever nearer, and i'm both somewhat surprised and happy i'm going with her, because she ridiculously cute and someone with which time seems to hold less meaning. whenever we hang out, there is no silence in which nothing is put, for we can always manage to stumble upon something to talk about. noted witticisms we have exchanged:
jamba: you need to come in and get a free drink from me. do you want one right now?
me: no thanks.
her: you sure? i have to pay you back for all the starbucks you get me.
me: go to prom with me. that's paying me back just enough.

and

jamba (reading an advert): will a caramel macchiato really "indulge my sense"?
me: i don't know, marissa, do your senses need to be indulged?
her: do yours?
me: that's a bit of a personal question, don't you think?

anyhow, i'm trying to sort out how i feel about her, because the time to act on any feelings i may have for her is slowly running out (as noted by ms. castro), but then there's the compliaction of #s 3-5, of course. which leads me to #5, which encompasses #4.

#5. saturday night. the low down. cast party after closing night of midsummer night's dream. we are all at bianca's house, and a girl i thought i'd never really see again was there with her dear darling friend, ms. tina. i saw her both before and after the play, and instantly knew (if i may confess my own thoughts) that something was bound to happen at the end of the night. and when i found out she was to be at the cast party, well, i knew it would happen. it must have been two years since we had seen (and thence kissed) each other, and it was interesting, because it felt like very little time had elapsed - i am now older and the more clever to know not to allow myself any significant feelings for her, but aside from that, it was easily two years ago, and before long (but not until after i drove ms. jamba home), her and i were not all too subtley giving each other "that sin again" (if i may so daringly quote R&J)...in layman's terms, making out. of course it was fun, and her and i have always been chemical (chemistry between us), despite the fact we've only seen each other a whopping three times now. but sentiments of meeting up again and 'i missed you' were exchanged and the night was over, not without some hot making out on top of tina's brother, against a wall, on the dancefloor, and barefoot outside. i don't know what is conflicting about it. i'm just thinking about it. i want to call her and tell her thank you and that i had a great time and that we shouldn't wait another two years, but most of all
[me: i don't really write poetry anymore.
her: why not?
me: i have no conflict. no need to write.]
for giving me some sort of reason to poetically release whatever's going on inside of me (i've written way more since saturday night) and while my poems don't necesarily laud her loving praise, i'm just glad the gates have opened up and i am writing again. i wouldn't mind seeing her again, real soon. perhaps that's part of the conflict. i have feelings for ms jamba. and want to have real feelings for her. but i still want to see these other girls (including #3, perhaps #7, and the unmentioned #11, friend of michelle's and a pretty little blonde girl). anyway.

#2. the decemberists are amazing.

#3 (making a surprise appearance). one of the more perfect girls i've ever had the pleasure of coming across. much more could be said on her subject, but i'll hold back for now. perhaps until a rainy day.

#8. i never thought i'd be soppy over something like being in a high school play. but i really really miss it. i miss rehearsals and sitting with ms. jamba listening to my ipod. i miss bitch slapping andy and being his mastah. i miss speaking in spanish to catherine. i miss being on stage with tina. i miss love tokens and here comes thisbe and may now and take thy flight moon. i miss kurihi and all the mechanicals. i miss the looming weekend of the play and worrying that it won't come together at all. i miss it all. it's depressing. it was one of the most amazing few months of my life. recently, anyway. and on a certain level, i mean. i am sad for that.

for now that is all. tomorrow i will hear from brown, columbia, berkeley, ucla, and harvard. lord.